Straight Girl Whisper

        Hello peeps, I hope that your week is going well and wonderful. Let me be real with you guys, I have a problem that needs fixing. I can’t seem to talk to any guy that I have a crush on. It is ironic because I am a very charismatic person. Being able to carryout a conversation with almost anyone is definitely one of my better qualities. However that quality just disappears in to the abyss whenever I’m around someone I like. Ever since I was little, most of my friends have been girls. The first friend I ever made was a girl named Katie, we met at the rug and bonded over my Pochacco ( the little dog from Hello Kitty lol). From then on I have always had a way with the ladies, you could go as far as calling me the straight girl whisperer.  Those girls who need someone to cheer them up and tell them how beautiful they are.

       Whenever I’m out and about there is something that pulls me to talk to the girl next to me. We immediately click and she tells me her life long story and all her deepest darkest secrets. I am so grateful that they feel like can open up to me, but sometimes during these conversations my brain distracted by a beautiful man passing by. I think to myself why can’t that man be the one talking to me. At times I feel like there is some evil princess from the North trying to punish me. I find it a lot easier to talk to girls because they are more open about things and they seem a lot more friendly (well some of them are).

         I feel that it is hard for me to talk to guys because when I was younger I was bullied by my male peers due to me channeling my inner diva/princess.  They would make fun of about how girly I acted and it made me feel like I wasn’t “boy enough” to fit in their inner circle of kick ball and PowerRangers.

        So instead I confided with girls. They were able to understand where I was coming from (well a lot of them did, some of them were little bitches). I eventually did get over this fear making friends with guys, but in the back of my I still have my guard up.

         At this point I don’t know what to do. I feel like this desperate Chihuahua dog barking for its dear little life. Since I am surrounded by mostly women, I feel like hanging out with more guys would remedy this horrendous curse of anxiety around men (me laughing really hard). I want to find a role model, a man or a woman, that is a dominant figure to show me how to be more assertive so that I can approach a man. I want to find my inner Al Pacino. I want to learn how to be the alpha (whatever that means).  By being more confident I will be able to be comfortable talking to and approaching any man on the planet whether gay, straight, ect.

 

         I feel like this week when I had an opportunity to talk to Pie, but I froze up again. The minute I saw his face I completely froze and I did the Tyra Banks stare and walked away. Ugh!!!! This is exactly why I need to build up my confidence!

          Now that I know what I have to do, I must put my straight girl whispering powers on hold and build my confidence to talk to more guys. In the comments bellow let me know how you guys approach a person of interest to you! Love you, Pechuka’s!!!!! 🙂

Sad News :(

Guys… I have some bad news. After endless Facebook stalking and talking to mutual friends, I found out that Pie is unfortunately STRAITGHT (insert depressing Sarah Mclachlan music here)! After hearing all of this fluff my little heart just broke in half and all of the wonderful fantasies of taking long walks on the beach with him were ripped out of my soul, like a strand of seaweed being washed ashore like the a little piece of trash. Nonetheless deep inside of me there is still hope. After speaking to others about him I feel like I’ve gotten to know him a bit more. I learned that Pie is an receptive and unbigoted person. Someone with these qualities is probably open to the idea of trying out something new that they wouldn’t normally do (like shoving their dick in to another mans asshole lol). Hearing this made me hope that maybe there is a chance something more could happen, so I pray to goddess of the earth to grant me this one and only wish. This small spark inside me gave me an excuse to keep on feeling what I was feeling for him. It allowed me to keep on hoping that all the feelings that I had weren’t for nothing.

But lets be real this is a whole bunch of bullshit. As I scrolled through the many apps on my phone feeling like I was going to end up an old shriveled cat lady, I found a dating app. Guys, I know what your thinking its not Grinder. Its called Scruff.  According to the reviews Scruff is a dating app for classy sluts. I have never downloaded a dating app before because of my magestical fantasy of meeting my prince charming at some random coffee shop (my fantasy continues with him swooping me up in to his burly arms and riding into the sunset together aka Bound 2).

I still have not made a profile because I do not comprehend the “selfie”. Every time I seem to take a photograph of myself somehow I turn out to look like some critter that came from the depth of some Ursula ocean cave. Let me know in the comments bellow if you guys also have this tragic problem!  I must overcome this fear of taking a selfie and make an official profile.

So guys now I’m stuck in this hot weather in Los Angeles looking at the possibilities ahead of me (gosh isn’t it supposed to be winter?). Even though I found out the truth about Pie I still have a hope, my tiny heart still jumps for joy for him.

My roommate coincidently has a class with him and I have an opportunity to still find out more about him and further my relationship with him. I have to stop being a timid schoolgirl and finally show my peacock feathers (according to Katy Perry). Love you, Pechukas! Hope your week is going well! Leave me a comment telling me about your awkward schoolgirl moments with your crush, it will make me feel better about myself lol. Kisses.

Hey Pechukas!

     It’s not my fault I’m thirsty. It’s a recent development guys. As a college student my week consists of waking up too early and dragging my bedraggled ass to class.  Last quarter I walked in to one of these classes to behold the most beautiful man in the universe, other than Henry Cavell (because lets be real, you cant top that). This guy (who from now on will be called Pie) just seemed totally and entirely different from any man I had ever seen. He had this golden brown hair, blue eyes, and had  this calming attitude. Here’s where my struggle began, I had no idea how to approach him. Oh, and there’s one more thing, this person that I really like is very ambiguous when it comes to his sexuality.  I am mostly leaning towards him being a straight boy, but who knows! You can never tell with artsy hipster types and sexuality is a complex thing.

      A lot of gay men, including myself, fantasize about the straight men in their lives.  Whether it is the hetero quarterback of your high school football team, or an ambiguous artsy guy in your class, we all fantasize about wanting someone we can’t have. It will be interesting to see how far I can push this fantasy in to reality. I want to know the limits of me getting closer to Pie, in a more than just a friendship way. To experiment with how fluid someone’s sexuality can be and if they can cross those thresholds between being a hetero or homosexual. Even though I came to the realization that he was straight due to his mannerisms and obsessively Facebook stalking him, I still was interested in knowing what was behind his eyes.  At the same time I have to ask myself what I’m I going get from this. Is the pretense of calling it an “experiment” just to protect my feelings, or am I actually able to detach myself from how I feel enough to see this situation objectively? 

    I realize that throughout this experiment I might get my feelings hurt in the long run, but it doesn’t change the fact that I still want to get to know Pie. It’s scary to go in to a situation where you don’t know what’s going to come out of it. However, I always seem to find myself in these situations. 2 years ago I met this guy named Eli, who ended up being my roommate and one of my best friends NOT my boyfriend. I got to know Eli and then developed feelings toward him after I asked him to be a nude model in one of my photography shoots (more on Eli later). But again Eli is a straight man and at the end of the day I knew the reality was it just not going to happen. And now I’m in the same situation with Pie. I know that he might be straight, and I’m questioning whether I should put my bedraggled ass through this whole process again. These are questions that I have to ask myself. Maybe it’s his piercing blue eyes, his stutter, or his quietness.  I don’t know why I notice all these things. I must be a creepy evil Wichita of the West (me doing me evil cackle right now).

     As I was desperately goggling “ways to talk to guys I like” (literally), I stumbled upon this a video on BuzzFeed called The Science of Having a Crush (guys…I’m obsessed with Buzzfeed). The video said that the chemicals and neurotransmitters that are released when you have a crush, stay in your system for an entire year. So maybe my body is just doing its thing and I have no choice but to follow the light! But then again that could be a whole bunch of bull crap that just makes people like me over think things.

     So when it comes to talking to a guy, especially ones that I really like, my heart seems to beat a little faster and I’m afraid that I’ll make fool out of myself. This is my greatest fear and it seems like every time that I try to find it in myself to approach Pie in my class, I run away or find another excuse not to talk to him.

     After praying to the Beyonce goddess and countless Google searches it was finally time to talk to him and ask him for his number. His phone number was my golden ticket to getting to know him. Without this preeecious (Gollum voice) item, the sexy ship would sail (or the ring would be lost forever). But I could not do it without the help of the greatest love expert my roommate. We went through thousands of laughable rehearsals on our polka dot couch. If did not pull off the swag that my roommate was teaching me I would seem like this desperate catholic schoolgirl who has never seen a boy in her life.

     After endless rehearsals, it was actually time to do it. It was the Thursday of my performance piece, in which I stuck my finger up my ass and masturbated in front of “God.” It was nerve racking and the craziest thing that I have ever done…besides the prospect of asking him for his number. So at the end of class I went to clean up. When I came back to the classroom I noticed that he was leaving! My window to make my move was closing, so I made myself a crazy person to get him. I TRIED to be nonchalant and look like I was just going back to the station where my bag was at, instead of creeplily stalking my prey like a fucking lion.  I caught up with him and finally took my balls out of me and asked Pie for his number. At the end of the conversation all I could think of was of “yeeeees gaga.” I could not believe that I did it, the inner 15 year old girl inside of me smiled with joy :).

     Currently this mission is on the down low, but I will pick up soon and will let you all know what happens. But for right now I am going to ask the goddess of the universe to help me on this grand adventure. Love you, my little Pechukas! Byyyyyyeeeeee!