It’s not my fault I’m thirsty. It’s a recent development guys. As a college student my week consists of waking up too early and dragging my bedraggled ass to class. Last quarter I walked in to one of these classes to behold the most beautiful man in the universe, other than Henry Cavell (because lets be real, you cant top that). This guy (who from now on will be called Pie) just seemed totally and entirely different from any man I had ever seen. He had this golden brown hair, blue eyes, and had this calming attitude. Here’s where my struggle began, I had no idea how to approach him. Oh, and there’s one more thing, this person that I really like is very ambiguous when it comes to his sexuality. I am mostly leaning towards him being a straight boy, but who knows! You can never tell with artsy hipster types and sexuality is a complex thing.
A lot of gay men, including myself, fantasize about the straight men in their lives. Whether it is the hetero quarterback of your high school football team, or an ambiguous artsy guy in your class, we all fantasize about wanting someone we can’t have. It will be interesting to see how far I can push this fantasy in to reality. I want to know the limits of me getting closer to Pie, in a more than just a friendship way. To experiment with how fluid someone’s sexuality can be and if they can cross those thresholds between being a hetero or homosexual. Even though I came to the realization that he was straight due to his mannerisms and obsessively Facebook stalking him, I still was interested in knowing what was behind his eyes. At the same time I have to ask myself what I’m I going get from this. Is the pretense of calling it an “experiment” just to protect my feelings, or am I actually able to detach myself from how I feel enough to see this situation objectively?
I realize that throughout this experiment I might get my feelings hurt in the long run, but it doesn’t change the fact that I still want to get to know Pie. It’s scary to go in to a situation where you don’t know what’s going to come out of it. However, I always seem to find myself in these situations. 2 years ago I met this guy named Eli, who ended up being my roommate and one of my best friends NOT my boyfriend. I got to know Eli and then developed feelings toward him after I asked him to be a nude model in one of my photography shoots (more on Eli later). But again Eli is a straight man and at the end of the day I knew the reality was it just not going to happen. And now I’m in the same situation with Pie. I know that he might be straight, and I’m questioning whether I should put my bedraggled ass through this whole process again. These are questions that I have to ask myself. Maybe it’s his piercing blue eyes, his stutter, or his quietness. I don’t know why I notice all these things. I must be a creepy evil Wichita of the West (me doing me evil cackle right now).
As I was desperately goggling “ways to talk to guys I like” (literally), I stumbled upon this a video on BuzzFeed called The Science of Having a Crush (guys…I’m obsessed with Buzzfeed). The video said that the chemicals and neurotransmitters that are released when you have a crush, stay in your system for an entire year. So maybe my body is just doing its thing and I have no choice but to follow the light! But then again that could be a whole bunch of bull crap that just makes people like me over think things.
So when it comes to talking to a guy, especially ones that I really like, my heart seems to beat a little faster and I’m afraid that I’ll make fool out of myself. This is my greatest fear and it seems like every time that I try to find it in myself to approach Pie in my class, I run away or find another excuse not to talk to him.
After praying to the Beyonce goddess and countless Google searches it was finally time to talk to him and ask him for his number. His phone number was my golden ticket to getting to know him. Without this preeecious (Gollum voice) item, the sexy ship would sail (or the ring would be lost forever). But I could not do it without the help of the greatest love expert my roommate. We went through thousands of laughable rehearsals on our polka dot couch. If did not pull off the swag that my roommate was teaching me I would seem like this desperate catholic schoolgirl who has never seen a boy in her life.
After endless rehearsals, it was actually time to do it. It was the Thursday of my performance piece, in which I stuck my finger up my ass and masturbated in front of “God.” It was nerve racking and the craziest thing that I have ever done…besides the prospect of asking him for his number. So at the end of class I went to clean up. When I came back to the classroom I noticed that he was leaving! My window to make my move was closing, so I made myself a crazy person to get him. I TRIED to be nonchalant and look like I was just going back to the station where my bag was at, instead of creeplily stalking my prey like a fucking lion. I caught up with him and finally took my balls out of me and asked Pie for his number. At the end of the conversation all I could think of was of “yeeeees gaga.” I could not believe that I did it, the inner 15 year old girl inside of me smiled with joy :).
Currently this mission is on the down low, but I will pick up soon and will let you all know what happens. But for right now I am going to ask the goddess of the universe to help me on this grand adventure. Love you, my little Pechukas! Byyyyyyeeeeee!